There is probably a whole lot to say. We haven't posted in awhile because we've been too busy trying to manage a 13-yr-old who is really a 10-yr-old. The one thing that drives us nuts more than anything is that smart mouth of hers. "Whatever", "And...", "Uhuh", "Yeah ok," and of course "wait a minute." On the flip side, Dasha craves attention and love. Craves it. She wants hugs, kisses and just to be heard. She wants our attention because she didn't get any when she was in Ukraine. We've had a few nights where Dasha has spent several hours in the closet crying over something we would consider ridiculous like I asked her to turn the TV off and spend 15 mins reading but I know to her, the whole world is coming down around her. It takes A LOT of patience to parent a child with a trauma history.
We've been spending a lot of time reading, trying to understand the fear reaction kids with trauma experience and to understand the process of feedback loops and regulation. All fancy buzz words but really simple concepts.
Take the fear reaction. We've learned that when children with trauma histories are faced with a stressful situation (like sitting down to do math pages) there is a physiological reaction that occurs. That stress causes distorted thinking and short-term memory loss (B. Bryan Post's Stress Model) and the more stress she is put under (like finish those pages now or there is no TV) she is then faced with three choices - to comply, to run (flight) or to fight. Since her brain is unable to see things clearly, she can not comply but instead will fight with us or run upstairs to her room. Now that reaction will happen more often then not if we continue to push adding to the stress and thus creating a negative feedback loop and down we go. However, if we remain calm (stay regulated) and give her love and encouragement instead of threats of no tv, she will comply.
Here's a short story about our two girls. It was getting late and the girls were having fun sharing notes and playing. However, it was time for bed. Donna was about to march in there and start to boss them around which would have instantly created a negative feedback loop and the night would have spiraled out of control. Instead I tapped Donna on the shoulder and said lets give them a few minutes to transition to the bedtime routine by telling them at x time they need to get ready for bed. What a difference. The kids went to bed without a fight because we did not add negative energy to a positive feedback loop.
It has taken us three months to get the bedtime routine down pat. We used to get sooooo stressed out about the kids getting to bed because Dasha would take forever and would only do one thing at a time. So we instituted the four step rule and started Dasha earlier. So at 9:30 every night she starts her four steps and she is not allowed out of the bathroom until those four steps are done. Face, teeth, potty and hands. Then she can come back downstairs. No stress and no yelling.
We've heard from a few folks about the "sugar" reaction. When Dasha gets too much sugar she goes crazy. In fact, we're having the doctor run some blood work to check to see how her body processes the sugar. We know that if Dasha gets sugar after 8:00 she will have a very difficult bedtime routine. Gum is her other hang-up. She wants to chew gum 24X7. So we've limited her to one piece per day.
Dasha will be getting her other eye surgery in a few weeks just before school. They will remove the last cataract and replace it with a new lenses. After that she'll be able to see pretty well. She'll always need glasses though because of other issues she has with her eyes but at least it won't be cloudy!
I wonder what my post will look like three months from now. I suspect better as we get better at parenting her and she integrates more into the family and society as a whole. We're going to one of Bryan's parenting camps in the middle of September and are looking forward to that.
0 comments:
Post a Comment